Essay and Translation by Calista Shang ’20.

我小的時候很少說中文。我覺得說中文會讓我不好意思。午飯的時候， 我不喜歡我媽媽給我帶中餐，因為我的同學們每次都會笑我的午飯。豬肉的味道聞起來很重。我父母的英文說得不好，我的眼睛小小的，頭髮黑黑的，跟美國電影上的人不一樣。影片裡的人都有金色的頭髮和藍色的眼睛。這些都讓我感到不好意思，因為我和同學們不一樣。我和老師們也不一樣。

我在高中的時候，我不喜歡別人誇我的英文好或者說我沒有口音。我不喜歡在舊金山的街上一群男人對我喊種族歧視的話。有一次他們叫我回我的國家。我不喜歡在暑期實習面試的時候，一群女人一直問我來自哪裡，儘管我每次都會回答我在加州出生，也在加州長大。

現在，我是大一的學生。十八年以後，我才開始明白，我是中國人。我可以選擇羞愧，我也可以選擇驕傲。我可以選擇強迫自己去改變，也可以選擇接受自己本來的樣子。在布朗大學，我認識了很多不一樣的人，我也開始接受自己的不同。想到我父母移民來到美國後艱難的生活，我覺得他們非常不容易，感謝他們給我的一切。我為我的背景感到驕傲。

我是美國人，可是我也是中國人。

When I was little, I rarely spoke Chinese. I was too embarrassed, embarrassed of the way my lunch always smelled of pork dumplings, the way my parents spoke broken English, the way my eyes were small and my hair was black. My features didn’t resemble the people in the movies. They all had blonde hair and blue eyes. I was embarrassed of the way I was different from my classmates and my teachers.

When I was in high school, I didn’t like how people praised my English for being so good and my accent for being barely noticeable. I didn’t like how a group of grown men shouted racial slurs at me on the streets of San Francisco. They yelled at me, telling me to go back to my home country. I didn’t like how, during an interview for a summer internship, the group of women kept asking me where I was from despite my answering each time that I was born and raised in California.

I am now a freshman in college, and I am just starting to understand after 18 years that I can choose to be proud or ashamed of my differences. I can force myself to change or embrace who I am. Being around so many people who embrace their identities and celebrate what make them diverse has opened my eyes to accepting my own differences. Reflecting on the struggles of my parents and being grateful for everything they have accomplished, despite being immigrants, has made me proud of where I come from.

I am American, but I am also Chinese.