Professor Josiah S. Carberry’s Thirty Under Thirty

Josiah Carberry Thirty Under Thirty

Everything about the history and legend of Josiah S. Carberry can seem bigger, faster, and more intense than any other history or legend in the world. The facts or general lack of them can overwhelm even the best and brightest scholars. While we have for decades known about Carberry’s ungrammatical wife Laura, his daughters Patricia and Lois Carberry, and his assistant Truman Grayson—Brown researchers are now exploring new leads regarding Carberry’s friends, relatives, and people with whom he may or may not have been acquainted in recent years. What follows are descriptions of the thirty most likely recent Brown graduates under thirty to know, be related to, or have experience with the Professor.

Cary Posiah is a 27-year-old alumna of Brown. She is a musician in a band that is only interested in making unexpected sounds that feel stressful, are barely noticeable, and are usually ignored. Some have categorized her music as uncategorizable, but the band itself, which doesn’t have a name or any recorded music to date, does not believe in the term “uncategorizable.” Cary Posiah and her band know exactly what they are doing and who they are even if no one else does.

Emily Berry Wosiahstein had been blogging long before she attended and graduated from Brown in 2007. In fact, she was blogging at age six and though there is no evidence of the following rumor being true, some have speculated that she was blogging before the personal computer was invented.

Nolsiahian Berryberry often tells people that he is Oscar Wilde’s grandson to throw them off the possibility that he might be Josiah S. Carberry’s grandson. His classmates have fond memories of Berryberry lecturing them on not being earnest enough.

Caraberry Laraberry somehow double-majored in both psychology and biology without actually taking a single psychology or biology class. Her records show she only took philosophy classes.

Shiny Jojo is something of a modern day wizard hiding under the guise of founding a very successful digital creative advertising agency. None of his clients, employees, or colleagues has ever seen him. The last time he was seen was sometime in his junior year at Brown when he was spotted hanging a large banner from a window on the twelfth floor of the Science Library.

Barry Gelberry is a morning person. Since his sophomore year at Brown he has made it his habit to wake up, do his daily chores, and go to bed all before anyone else in the world has bothered to wake up and begin their day.

Edsiah Songberry graduated from Brown in 2011, but he has still managed to live his entire life without sending a single email.

Nosiah IdleCar started an online literary magazine a few weeks after he graduated from Brown. The first issue mostly comprised of one-word poems he found on the sidewalk.

Young Songmessiah Armchairberry was fond of whispering to students in the cafeteria while they were eating, but his whispers were so unpronounced and soft that the students he was whispering to never noticed he was there.

Isiah Victorberry played on the football team at Brown for only one year before the San Francisco Giants drafted him to play third base, but instead of playing professional baseball Isiah Victorberry decided to buy some goats and raise them in Northern California. When he isn’t yelling at his goats he is coaching a youth peewee football team called the “Young Whaleberries.”

Ahmandasiah Cahmandaberry starred in a reality show the year after she graduated. The show revolved around the lives of eight recent college graduates all living in the same house as they struggled to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. The odd thing about Ahmandasiah Cahmandaberry’s involvement in the show was that she never appeared in any of the episodes. In an interview after the first season, one of the producers said all of Ahmandasiah Cahmandaberry’s scenes were edited out because her political philosophy didn’t align with the corporate sponsors.

Josi Girlcar, class of 2009,  has been referred to as the most brilliant, virtuous, and honest person who’s ever been praised.

Kevin Dancefloorberry and Naomi Weddingcakeberry both have the distinction of attending the most weddings since graduating from Brown. Despite being members of many of the wedding parties, no photographic evidence exists of either of them actually being present at any of the 463 weddings they’ve allegedly attended since graduating in 2011.

Messiah Carbutler started her own cosmetic line when she was only twelve and sold it when she was seventeen for $2.3 million. At Brown, she was rarely on campus on the weekends, as she was busy providing relief and aid to various third-world locations that had been recently devastated by a natural disaster. Many of her professors regularly received postcards sent from these third-world locations to ask for extensions.

Cicisiah Berryberrybosiah was a theater arts major at Brown and went on to become a very influential experimental performance artist in the short time she has been out of school. In one particular entertaining performance called “I want to become so still that I’m not even present” critics have not been able to determine if the motionless performer on stage is Berryberrybosiah or if it’s a lifelike mannequin that’s been fashioned for the performance.

James Berry Swancar graduated from Brown only a year ago, but he has already appeared on the cover of thousands of magazines and in a number of movies. He is also the first invisible male model.

Clare Johnsonberryfeldsteinsiah graduated six years ago and it’s been reported that she hasn’t left her Upper-East-Side apartment since moving to New York City immediately upon graduating from Brown.

Jim John Jozillasiah didn’t think he was going to amount to much after he graduated from Brown. He immediately got an office job at a company that sold paper products. His goal was to work there for thirty-five years and then retire, but he became wildly successful, retired by twenty-five, and has moved to a secret location where all the wildly-successful-under-twenty-five retirees live.

Elli Breezy invented something that makes everyone’s life easier not long after leaving Brown. The interesting part about the invention is that everyone agrees that it makes life easier, but no one can quite specify what exactly the invention is even though basically everyone owns one.

Norm Wilsonberry made a career for himself as an experimental DJ specializing in low frequencies of silence. He’s been hired at a number of high-profile celebrations, but some have begun to question his technique and have accused him of never showing up. According to his website, Norm Wilsonberry is known as the only DJ who is never seen or heard.

Leeandraberry Meeanandraberry went into the movie business immediately upon graduating from Brown and by the age of 24 she had successfully starred in over a dozen movies. She is the first actress to star in a movie without appearing in the movie she starred in.

J.S. CeeBee decided to stay in Providence after his time at Brown and opened a coffee shop. His coffee is unique in that it isn’t clear whether the cups of coffee he sells contain coffee or any liquid at all, but his customers are very loyal and are almost fanatical about drinking this specialty coffee at least twice a day.

Parisiah Hilltopberry has always been known as someone who never wears a jacket regardless of the weather. Hilltopberry’s other claim to fame is that no one has ever actually seen her jacketless in public.

Bessiah Edberry got a job at a local television news station after graduation, but like many of her interviewees she asked the television station to blur out her face.

Jonas Rhinosiah went into modeling after college, but unlike most models no one has seen his face and some of his fans aren’t even sure if he has a face.

Justin Popsicleberry got hired as the “mayonaise man” on a food network television program where he is completely covered in mayonaise for every episode.

Randall Santasiah transferred to a different school three minutes after he began his freshman year at Brown, but he ended up transferring back to Brown twelve minutes before graduation ceremonies began.

Ryan Berry Douglas graduated in 2007. The alumni office does not have his current address.

 

If you have evidence about any of the people mentioned above or Josiah Carberry himself please post it on instagram using the tag #josiahcarberry. Include an explanation. Make sure to check the Josiah Carberry image wall for more clues about the whereabouts of Carberry and his acquaintances.

Also, find out who exactly Josiah Carberry is or is not at a special screening of Made Not Born this Friday (the 13th) in the DSL.

Contact: Mark Baumer |  401-863-3642